When I was younger, before I got married, before I really knew what infertility would be like, I used to dream about the Christmas traditions I would start with my children. There were things I wanted to do, things my parents did with us, things they didn't do that I wanted to start in my new family. Things I wanted to share with my children from my childhood while at the same time creating new memories for them to hold on to. For example, my grandma had a little village I knew would be mine, and I can remember watching it as I fell asleep when I was very, very small. Also, I love Christmas pajamas, and I think an entire family in matching jammas on Christmas morning is about the best thing ever. I looked forward to creating my own family, to being able to dictate what memories my children would have of Christmas.
This is our fourth married Christmas. We have no children. No one to wrap presents for. No one to be excited about getting up Christmas morning. No secrets to keep, no toys to hide, nobody to share tradition with. Nobody, that is, but each other.
I try, harder than I should, probably, to make Jesse's Christmases wonderful. I spend more money, more time, more energy, on the perfect gifts, the perfect decorations, the perfect Christmas pajamas. You see, it is so easy to get caught up in the fact that we're just a family of two, so easy to neglect each other because there are no little people to care for. Jess loves Christmas like most normal people love Christmas. It's Jesus' birthday, yay for that, he likes to open presents, but that's about the extent of it. I, on the other hand, would live at the North Pole if I could. Seriously. If I could live somewhere it was Christmas all the time...well, I can't even let myself go there, seeing as how it will never happen. The North Pole, I'm sad to say, is merely a point on a map. Santa does not, in fact, live there. The point is, all these things I love about Christmas, I only have Jesse to share them with. Sometimes I'm tempted to just not do it. After all, it would be much easier to maybe just put up one tree and let that be it. I don't, though, for several reasons. First, I love Christmas so much, I think my heart might break if I didn't go all out in celebrating. Secondly, I always want Jesse to be able to say that his wife did everything in her power to make the holidays special for him. I never want him to say that I was so broken over not having children that I neglected him. I want him to be able to say, always, that his wife loves him intentionally. That she pours everything she can into creating special times for him.
Our lives probably aren't going to be seasoned with babies' laughter and the pitter-patter of little feet. We aren't going to have to stay up until someone goes to bed to fill stockings on Christmas Eve (you know, because Jesse already knows there's no Santa). No one will wake us up every hour on the hour until the sun FINALLY comes up like we used to do to my parents. Still...Jesus was born. He came to earth to save us from the death we deserved. His birth, that tiny baby in the manger, is the beginning of it all, of the greatest heritage any of us have. It's the reason my trees are perfect and my village is huge. This is a celebration, people. A birthday party for the King of Kings. I go all out. Our Christmas celebrations? They are joyful. They might not include children, but they include me and Jesse, they include hearts that are thankful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for God who loved us so much He sent the only child He had to die a horrible death so that we might live with Him in heaven, for Mary, who knew that she wouldn't get to keep that tiny infant, that she had to share Him with the world. Hearts that are joyful because we have each other, we have wonderful families, we have food to eat and a bed to sleep in. Our Christmas celebrations look differently than most people's, but they are so full of joy and wonder, so full of tradition.
And yes, they include Christmas pajamas, a tiny village, and all the movies I loved as a kid. After all, just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I can't act like one. ;)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Oh, wow, I have been terrible at writing. Let's chalk it up to holidays and the fact that we are insanely busy. Insanely busy for us, anyway. For anyone else, it would probably be boring, nothing to do, but this is as busy as we've ever been in our marriage. We are both just exhausted. It's November 28, and my house is still not completely decorated for Christmas. I am ashamed to say that. :D
I'd love to say I'll be better, but since Christmas is less than four weeks away (I honestly cannot even process that), I probably won't for awhile. Ha!
I'd love to say I'll be better, but since Christmas is less than four weeks away (I honestly cannot even process that), I probably won't for awhile. Ha!
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new guitar!
Last week, I had the privilege of buying my husband a guitar. It really IS a privilege to buy this man things. I'm fairly certain the reason we're not rich is he would have so many guitars you wouldn't be able to get into our home. He was soooooo excited, though. He had no idea (well, I had no idea either, until we got in there and saw them...) he would get a guitar on Thursday. We went to find a book for me so I can learn to play my bass fancier, and they had several Gibsons on the wall. Originally, the plan was to save so he could have an expensive guitar for his birthday. I desperately wanted him to have the best, but he decided he'd rather have a cheaper guitar now, and maybe another one next year (although I then proceeded to buy him $400 worth of accessories, so he maybe isn't getting another guitar next Christmas...lol) than only have one expensive one. His eyes lit up when I told him we could take one home that day, even though it would be for Christmas (and...I let him play it Sunday at church. Obviously, he's probably not waiting until Christmas for it). He got so excited, and he looked and looked to decide what he needed to play to choose his guitars. He only played two, his Gibson and a Strat, but he just kept playing and playing. I love to buy him things. He truly is like a kid at Christmas, and he never asks for things. He just gets this look in his eyes, and I know that it would make him happy. There are lots of things I don't get to do to make him happy, so buying him little things makes me happy. I mean, we can't afford tons of expensive stuff. I can't buy him lots of high-priced guitars. I can't buy him classic cars. Once in awhile, though, I can really just make his day, and I love to do that. He walked into the computer room today while I was getting ready to go with Mom to take our kitty to the vet and said, "Have I told you thank you for my guitar?" And I said he hadn't. He grinned and said thank you. He is the cutest thing ever when he's excited about something, and I love seeing that look on his face. Luckily, he also gets that look when I buy him tacos and cds, so I don't just have to buy guitars...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Revival
We had a fantastic weekend. Our home church held a revival, and we were able to attend all four services. Anyone who knows anything about our schedule knows what a miracle that is. Between Jesse's work and playing on Sunday mornings, it was absolutely God who allowed us to be fully present for these meetings. We were so excited to get to be able to participate in a whole weekend of activities. It was very much needed, too.
I didn't realize how tired we get serving. Or, how tired I get, anyway. We sit in with Mom and the kids on Wednesday night, and we play on Sunday mornings, and even though we're in service for the preaching then, I'm tired, physically tired, from waking up early and getting ready and then practicing for an hour and a half. By the time preaching starts, I'm mostly just listening, not actively participating. It was awesome to just have a couple of days where no one was depending on us for any portion of the service, where we didn't have to do anything but sit and soak it up. We did, and it was amazing. So refreshing. I felt that way after the tornado, too, those first few Sundays especially. We were so tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually, that coming together in God's house, worshiping together, just being able to rest in Him, it really gave me the strength I needed to continue.
This weekend, though...we are praying through some things, but we are so excited about the message God has brought to us. Oh, how lazy we are, how often we pass up opportunities to share about Jesus. I'm not bold. I've never been bold, and it's hard for me to share Jesus. I hate that about myself, but I am working on it. It shouldn't be so hard. After all, most people know within 5 minutes about my illness. Why then can't I tell them about the One who sustains me through it? Pray for us as we seek God concerning this. It isn't that we don't want to be bold. It's just...well, we're maybe a little chicken.
Another thing I long for is that I won't even NEED to tell people about Jesus. I will, of course, but I want so much for my life to be so that people can look at me and just KNOW what's important in my life, the reason I'm different. I pray that I am different, that it's not something I have to try so much at.
I want to work on learning Scripture. I want to be the kind of girl who can quote passages off the top of her head. My mom and my MIL can both do this. They barely need their Bibles in church. So, if you have any tips for really absorbing Scripture in this way, I'd LOVE to hear them.
Oh, how we long for more of Jesus. How we long for Him to consume our every thought, our every breath. We want our lives to be purposeful, to be about helping further God's kingdom, not about ourselves. More than anything, we want that. When the tornado hit, I began praying for revival. Not extra church meetings, real spiritual awakening. I know that personally, I have seen some of that, but we are praying that this is the beginning of a fire that spreads through our community, our state, our nation, our world. Oh, grant it, Lord Jesus. Let it start here.
I didn't realize how tired we get serving. Or, how tired I get, anyway. We sit in with Mom and the kids on Wednesday night, and we play on Sunday mornings, and even though we're in service for the preaching then, I'm tired, physically tired, from waking up early and getting ready and then practicing for an hour and a half. By the time preaching starts, I'm mostly just listening, not actively participating. It was awesome to just have a couple of days where no one was depending on us for any portion of the service, where we didn't have to do anything but sit and soak it up. We did, and it was amazing. So refreshing. I felt that way after the tornado, too, those first few Sundays especially. We were so tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually, that coming together in God's house, worshiping together, just being able to rest in Him, it really gave me the strength I needed to continue.
This weekend, though...we are praying through some things, but we are so excited about the message God has brought to us. Oh, how lazy we are, how often we pass up opportunities to share about Jesus. I'm not bold. I've never been bold, and it's hard for me to share Jesus. I hate that about myself, but I am working on it. It shouldn't be so hard. After all, most people know within 5 minutes about my illness. Why then can't I tell them about the One who sustains me through it? Pray for us as we seek God concerning this. It isn't that we don't want to be bold. It's just...well, we're maybe a little chicken.
Another thing I long for is that I won't even NEED to tell people about Jesus. I will, of course, but I want so much for my life to be so that people can look at me and just KNOW what's important in my life, the reason I'm different. I pray that I am different, that it's not something I have to try so much at.
I want to work on learning Scripture. I want to be the kind of girl who can quote passages off the top of her head. My mom and my MIL can both do this. They barely need their Bibles in church. So, if you have any tips for really absorbing Scripture in this way, I'd LOVE to hear them.
Oh, how we long for more of Jesus. How we long for Him to consume our every thought, our every breath. We want our lives to be purposeful, to be about helping further God's kingdom, not about ourselves. More than anything, we want that. When the tornado hit, I began praying for revival. Not extra church meetings, real spiritual awakening. I know that personally, I have seen some of that, but we are praying that this is the beginning of a fire that spreads through our community, our state, our nation, our world. Oh, grant it, Lord Jesus. Let it start here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
This is not what I intended to write
I hadn't intended to write this post yet. I wanted to do something really happy and fun before more super serious stuff, but I wrote and dumped about 4 different times. I really felt compelled to do this one. Add to that the fact that two people have asked me in the past few days what our plans are, and I knew that this was to be my next post.
It's no secret Jesse and I have not been able to have a baby thus far. It's been a roller coaster since we got married. Lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. There are times it's all I talk about. There are times, like now, I don't talk about it at all unless I'm asked.
The truth is, we don't have a plan anymore. For a bit, we felt like God was opening some doors for us in the way of treatments, but those doors closed rather quickly. I've been apprehensive about treatments from the beginning, and I've never been sure they were right for us. Now, I'm about 98% sure they aren't. They're right for some people, for lots of people. I absolutely believe God gives us medical advancements and we are to use those. I don't think they're right for everyone, though, and we don't think that's a road we're supposed to travel. That leaves us two options: try on our own, or don't try at all. We've actually chosen a position in the middle: we're neither trying nor preventing. This is not the first time in our marriage we've chosen this position. It's just the first time we've been okay with it.
You see, we want a baby. Several, actually. Our hearts truly long to be parents. We've come to understand some things lately, though, that have helped us settle (for now...it's subject to change at any minute) into being content as a family of two.
Pursuing pregnancy got us nowhere. Not just physically nowhere. Obviously, there is that, seeing as how we don't have a baby. What's more, though, is it got us nowhere in our relationship with God. More often than not, I was too angry about not getting a baby to invest anything in my walk with Christ. It hurt too much. He knew what I wanted, but He didn't give it to me, and I was mad. It wasn't good for our marriage. It wasn't good for my health, my sanity, my general well-being, my ability to be a nice person...so we aren't trying. Our philosophy is if God wants us to be parents (and while we long for that and believe we'd be good parents, we aren't sure that's what He has for us. Sometimes, He says wait and sometimes He says no, and it can be hard to distinguish between the two, especially if your heart is really tied up in it), He will give us a baby. Period. We're not preventing it. We're just not actively trying, either. I'm not tracking temperature or taking tests or drinking teas or swallowing handfuls of supplements and vinegar and on and on. We're just trying to let God be God, and we know that if He chooses not to make us parents, there's a reason, a greater purpose for it.
For a long time, I didn't know what possible "greater good" could come from my not being a mother. I still don't, really. However, I know that God doesn't owe me any explanations, that my mind cannot know all the things God knows, and that sometimes, the tiniest things can have huge impacts. I am not an island in this world, and God has certainly shown us how He can use us now, childless, in ways He couldn't if we were parents. Sometimes, I wonder if part of my lesson was to learn to be still and wait before He blesses us with what we want, if it's a kind of protection for my heart while we wait, but I know that even if it's not, even if we really never have a baby, it will be okay.
It still hurts. Everyday, it still hurts. It's hard knowing that if I only had MS or if I only had fertility problems, it would not be such an issue. If it was either/or, we'd probably have a baby by now, and that's hard to swallow. It's also hard to watch everyone else around you get what you want. Christmas is coming, and I desperately want a baby to put in a Santa suit and take to Christmas dinner and buy presents for. My heart is, I believe, what God created it to be: a mother's heart. My desires are unfulfilled, and that's never fun. And yet, it doesn't hurt like it did. If my family never grows beyond what God ordained on my wedding day, there will always be a little hurt. Always. However, when I look at this man, this man who wants what I want and yet has been at peace about it the whole time, I know that he is blessing enough. I'd love to give him a handful of tiny people who look just like him, people we can teach to love Jesus, their family, their neighbors. Tiny people who will grow up and impact the world. I want that, very much. It doesn't consume me anymore, and that's awesome. I have peace, at least most of the time. I think it's a process, like grief, like the acceptance of an illness. There are days we go to Target and I get in the car and I scream, "But why don't I get to buy tiny clothes?!?!" Most days, though, we're okay. We're better than okay. We're happy together, this tiny family of mine. God has given us the thing we've asked for most since the beginning: peace.
I didn't understand for a long time it was okay to still hurt once you were at peace. I thought when I really accepted the fact it might not happen, I'd be totally over it. Hahaha. I'm not over it. I will never, ever be over it. I refuse, though, to let it consume me any longer. It's not as hard as it used to be. I tried for so long to be at peace and wasn't, and now that I mostly am, it's very freeing. I'm still tenderhearted about it. People can still hurt me with what they say, but I'm learning to control that, too.
Two things you should know: adoption is not, at least at this point, an option for us. We believe God could open doors, but He hasn't opened them yet. There are multiple reasons we cannot pursue adoption, and we've known that for some time. I would love to, but it's not for us, at least not now, not in a traditional sense. Also, I talk a lot about baby clothes, the fun parts of having kids. I want all the parts of having kids, not just the cute clothes. It's just that when I see those tiny shoes like Mom and I saw the other day, something happens inside me and my resolve melts a little. I think it's a girl thing.
I believe that these verses are a picture of true faith: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18. I don't claim to be perfect. We all know that I'm not. I have days I'm sad. Even once in awhile, still, days I'm angry. Most days, know, I am able to believe that my God is powerful enough to give me what I want in spite of what the doctors say and yet still strong enough to comfort me should His plan for me not include being a mama.
I've never really said all this to anyone, not even to my own mother. It's fairly new, I guess. I'm praying my MIL is not hurt when she reads this, and I'm praying that everyone else understands that we haven't given up, we haven't backed down. We've just chosen to love Jesus and each other and let God work the rest of it out.
It's no secret Jesse and I have not been able to have a baby thus far. It's been a roller coaster since we got married. Lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. There are times it's all I talk about. There are times, like now, I don't talk about it at all unless I'm asked.
The truth is, we don't have a plan anymore. For a bit, we felt like God was opening some doors for us in the way of treatments, but those doors closed rather quickly. I've been apprehensive about treatments from the beginning, and I've never been sure they were right for us. Now, I'm about 98% sure they aren't. They're right for some people, for lots of people. I absolutely believe God gives us medical advancements and we are to use those. I don't think they're right for everyone, though, and we don't think that's a road we're supposed to travel. That leaves us two options: try on our own, or don't try at all. We've actually chosen a position in the middle: we're neither trying nor preventing. This is not the first time in our marriage we've chosen this position. It's just the first time we've been okay with it.
You see, we want a baby. Several, actually. Our hearts truly long to be parents. We've come to understand some things lately, though, that have helped us settle (for now...it's subject to change at any minute) into being content as a family of two.
Pursuing pregnancy got us nowhere. Not just physically nowhere. Obviously, there is that, seeing as how we don't have a baby. What's more, though, is it got us nowhere in our relationship with God. More often than not, I was too angry about not getting a baby to invest anything in my walk with Christ. It hurt too much. He knew what I wanted, but He didn't give it to me, and I was mad. It wasn't good for our marriage. It wasn't good for my health, my sanity, my general well-being, my ability to be a nice person...so we aren't trying. Our philosophy is if God wants us to be parents (and while we long for that and believe we'd be good parents, we aren't sure that's what He has for us. Sometimes, He says wait and sometimes He says no, and it can be hard to distinguish between the two, especially if your heart is really tied up in it), He will give us a baby. Period. We're not preventing it. We're just not actively trying, either. I'm not tracking temperature or taking tests or drinking teas or swallowing handfuls of supplements and vinegar and on and on. We're just trying to let God be God, and we know that if He chooses not to make us parents, there's a reason, a greater purpose for it.
For a long time, I didn't know what possible "greater good" could come from my not being a mother. I still don't, really. However, I know that God doesn't owe me any explanations, that my mind cannot know all the things God knows, and that sometimes, the tiniest things can have huge impacts. I am not an island in this world, and God has certainly shown us how He can use us now, childless, in ways He couldn't if we were parents. Sometimes, I wonder if part of my lesson was to learn to be still and wait before He blesses us with what we want, if it's a kind of protection for my heart while we wait, but I know that even if it's not, even if we really never have a baby, it will be okay.
It still hurts. Everyday, it still hurts. It's hard knowing that if I only had MS or if I only had fertility problems, it would not be such an issue. If it was either/or, we'd probably have a baby by now, and that's hard to swallow. It's also hard to watch everyone else around you get what you want. Christmas is coming, and I desperately want a baby to put in a Santa suit and take to Christmas dinner and buy presents for. My heart is, I believe, what God created it to be: a mother's heart. My desires are unfulfilled, and that's never fun. And yet, it doesn't hurt like it did. If my family never grows beyond what God ordained on my wedding day, there will always be a little hurt. Always. However, when I look at this man, this man who wants what I want and yet has been at peace about it the whole time, I know that he is blessing enough. I'd love to give him a handful of tiny people who look just like him, people we can teach to love Jesus, their family, their neighbors. Tiny people who will grow up and impact the world. I want that, very much. It doesn't consume me anymore, and that's awesome. I have peace, at least most of the time. I think it's a process, like grief, like the acceptance of an illness. There are days we go to Target and I get in the car and I scream, "But why don't I get to buy tiny clothes?!?!" Most days, though, we're okay. We're better than okay. We're happy together, this tiny family of mine. God has given us the thing we've asked for most since the beginning: peace.
I didn't understand for a long time it was okay to still hurt once you were at peace. I thought when I really accepted the fact it might not happen, I'd be totally over it. Hahaha. I'm not over it. I will never, ever be over it. I refuse, though, to let it consume me any longer. It's not as hard as it used to be. I tried for so long to be at peace and wasn't, and now that I mostly am, it's very freeing. I'm still tenderhearted about it. People can still hurt me with what they say, but I'm learning to control that, too.
Two things you should know: adoption is not, at least at this point, an option for us. We believe God could open doors, but He hasn't opened them yet. There are multiple reasons we cannot pursue adoption, and we've known that for some time. I would love to, but it's not for us, at least not now, not in a traditional sense. Also, I talk a lot about baby clothes, the fun parts of having kids. I want all the parts of having kids, not just the cute clothes. It's just that when I see those tiny shoes like Mom and I saw the other day, something happens inside me and my resolve melts a little. I think it's a girl thing.
I believe that these verses are a picture of true faith: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18. I don't claim to be perfect. We all know that I'm not. I have days I'm sad. Even once in awhile, still, days I'm angry. Most days, know, I am able to believe that my God is powerful enough to give me what I want in spite of what the doctors say and yet still strong enough to comfort me should His plan for me not include being a mama.
I've never really said all this to anyone, not even to my own mother. It's fairly new, I guess. I'm praying my MIL is not hurt when she reads this, and I'm praying that everyone else understands that we haven't given up, we haven't backed down. We've just chosen to love Jesus and each other and let God work the rest of it out.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Thankfulness
One of the things that has really helped change my attitude in the past six months is God is teaching me to be thankful. Really thankful. Jesse's grandma died in April, and at her funeral, I was really hit hard by the fact that everyone said how thankful she was for everything. I never got to meet her, but they read some of her journal pages, and they weren't exaggerating. From the birds to the flowers to her pajamas to getting to worship God, MawMaw lived a life of thanks. It hurt when I realized no one could say that about me. It wasn't that I wasn't thankful for what I had. I was. I was also angry about what I didn't have, and that got in the way of my remembering to be thankful. I decided I would be thankful, too. Of course, we had a terrible week that week. Our car broke down. Three or four other things happened, I don't even remember what, but I know several nights ended with me in heaving, gulping sobs. I was just overwhelmed by our circumstances. Yet, each day, God gently reminded me that being thankful when things are perfect isn't much of a challenge. It's those days when your car breaks down and you pay to fix it only to have it stop working again. Days when your husband can't find a work shirt because you haven't been home to do laundry. Days when you don't even know what you're going to have for dinner because you're dealing with all this stuff and you feel bad and all you want to do is sit on the couch with your husband and cry. Those are the days you're supposed to be especially thankful. Days I have to be especially thankful. I have a car, only four years old, and it's completely paid for. I have the means to buy Jesse an extra shirt when we don't have time to do laundry. I have food in my freezer. Money for McDonald's if that's what it comes to. A couch to cry on, and a husband to cry with. Mostly, I have a Jesus who holds every tear I cry in His hands. Even the stupid tears I cry when I'm just tired. :)
About four weeks after MawMaw died, the tornado hit. We were suddenly living out every disaster movie we've ever seen. Much to my MIL's chagrin, we don't keep convenience foods or water or anything at our house. I know, we should, but we don't. We had a couple boxes of cereal and some granola bars, and WalMart was closed. Everything was crazy, but for us, it wasn't so bad. Jesse was off work the night it happened and the next night so that I wasn't scared and alone in the dark. We could make it to Mom and Dad's if we needed to. We were safe. Our families were safe. Our jobs were safe. Our homes were safe. The truth is, in those first couple of days, Jess didn't even miss a hot meal. We were blessed beyond belief, and I didn't know why, I just knew that we were. When we started working with the church, it was a little overwhelming. We were standing in the midst of utter devastation, and there wasn't much we could do about it. I remember being overwhelmed, and a little scared, but God said, "I didn't say do it all. I just said do what you can, and I'll do the rest." He did. Ephesians 3:20-21 says, "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, 21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." That's what He did. Above and beyond anything we imagined He'd do, He did. I spent six weeks in awe of how big our God is, how great and mighty, how in tune with our needs, and I can only pray that He got the glory from what we did. It was beautiful. We fed, quite literally, God's children. Well, I didn't so much. Since I was coordinating, I mostly talked on the phone, but I coordinated feeding God's children. :)
I am reminded every day to be thankful for what God has given me. I'm thankful for Jess, for our home, for his job, our car, our furbabies. I'm thankful for our families, for my parents who spent a good part of those six weeks taking care of the things I was supposed to be taking care of while I helped at the church. For my in-laws who spent those six weeks working with us. For our siblings and grandparents. Without the support of our families, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I called my MIL and told her I wanted to help, but I couldn't do the physical stuff, and she and my BIL and my FIL (when he didn't have to work) came everyday they could. For six weeks, they were the hands and feet of Jesus because I wanted to work and couldn't do the hard stuff. I am thankful that God sustained me through those weeks. I claimed that He would when we started, and He did. I hurt, I was tired, but I could get up and be there. I'm thankful that I got to experience what He poured out on us. I can't imagine letting my disability rob me of those blessings. Those moments, as crazy as they were, were some of the most precious moments I've ever experienced. I'm thankful that God has put into our lives people who understand both my limitations and my desire to serve.
I'm not angry anymore. Well, mostly. :) No, actually, I'm not. Sometimes, I get tired, and when I get tired, I'm like a two year old without a nap. I might have cried all the way home Sunday about being tired of being sick. It's true. I get tired of hurting. I get tired of not being sure my legs will carry me. I get, and y'all are gonna love this, tired of being tired, and I get tired of all the other symptoms I don't name because it's not important to write out a laundry list of what's wrong with my body. :) I am thankful God has allowed me to be in a position where I can love my husband, our families, our churches, more deeply than I could if I was healthy and had to work. I am thankful that He teaches me more about Him because I need Him extra to get through my days. I am even thankful for my physical discomfort because He truly has blessed us. However, it's not tons of fun to be surprised every day by which parts of your body will and won't work. It complicates things a little. So, when I get super tired, sometimes I cry and moan a little. I bawled for about 5 minutes, apologized to Jess (and Jesus...), and it was over. The difference is, 5 minutes of crying did not turn into six weeks of moping and serious depression. I'm okay with a couple minutes of sobbing and asking God why. I think He is, too. It's a process. He made me human, and I'm not perfect (and if you don't believe me, you can ask my husband). What matters, though, is that after I dry my tears, I understand that God has a plan for this, even when I can't understand it. You wouldn't believe how much easier that makes being thankful.
Thankfulness is an intentional characteristic, I believe. It takes practice. It takes patience. It takes remembering that God knows you personally, intimately, and He knows what hurts you and what concerns you, and He loves you anyway, and what's more, He sent His Son to die for you. How can you not be thankful for that?
About four weeks after MawMaw died, the tornado hit. We were suddenly living out every disaster movie we've ever seen. Much to my MIL's chagrin, we don't keep convenience foods or water or anything at our house. I know, we should, but we don't. We had a couple boxes of cereal and some granola bars, and WalMart was closed. Everything was crazy, but for us, it wasn't so bad. Jesse was off work the night it happened and the next night so that I wasn't scared and alone in the dark. We could make it to Mom and Dad's if we needed to. We were safe. Our families were safe. Our jobs were safe. Our homes were safe. The truth is, in those first couple of days, Jess didn't even miss a hot meal. We were blessed beyond belief, and I didn't know why, I just knew that we were. When we started working with the church, it was a little overwhelming. We were standing in the midst of utter devastation, and there wasn't much we could do about it. I remember being overwhelmed, and a little scared, but God said, "I didn't say do it all. I just said do what you can, and I'll do the rest." He did. Ephesians 3:20-21 says, "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, 21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." That's what He did. Above and beyond anything we imagined He'd do, He did. I spent six weeks in awe of how big our God is, how great and mighty, how in tune with our needs, and I can only pray that He got the glory from what we did. It was beautiful. We fed, quite literally, God's children. Well, I didn't so much. Since I was coordinating, I mostly talked on the phone, but I coordinated feeding God's children. :)
I am reminded every day to be thankful for what God has given me. I'm thankful for Jess, for our home, for his job, our car, our furbabies. I'm thankful for our families, for my parents who spent a good part of those six weeks taking care of the things I was supposed to be taking care of while I helped at the church. For my in-laws who spent those six weeks working with us. For our siblings and grandparents. Without the support of our families, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I called my MIL and told her I wanted to help, but I couldn't do the physical stuff, and she and my BIL and my FIL (when he didn't have to work) came everyday they could. For six weeks, they were the hands and feet of Jesus because I wanted to work and couldn't do the hard stuff. I am thankful that God sustained me through those weeks. I claimed that He would when we started, and He did. I hurt, I was tired, but I could get up and be there. I'm thankful that I got to experience what He poured out on us. I can't imagine letting my disability rob me of those blessings. Those moments, as crazy as they were, were some of the most precious moments I've ever experienced. I'm thankful that God has put into our lives people who understand both my limitations and my desire to serve.
I'm not angry anymore. Well, mostly. :) No, actually, I'm not. Sometimes, I get tired, and when I get tired, I'm like a two year old without a nap. I might have cried all the way home Sunday about being tired of being sick. It's true. I get tired of hurting. I get tired of not being sure my legs will carry me. I get, and y'all are gonna love this, tired of being tired, and I get tired of all the other symptoms I don't name because it's not important to write out a laundry list of what's wrong with my body. :) I am thankful God has allowed me to be in a position where I can love my husband, our families, our churches, more deeply than I could if I was healthy and had to work. I am thankful that He teaches me more about Him because I need Him extra to get through my days. I am even thankful for my physical discomfort because He truly has blessed us. However, it's not tons of fun to be surprised every day by which parts of your body will and won't work. It complicates things a little. So, when I get super tired, sometimes I cry and moan a little. I bawled for about 5 minutes, apologized to Jess (and Jesus...), and it was over. The difference is, 5 minutes of crying did not turn into six weeks of moping and serious depression. I'm okay with a couple minutes of sobbing and asking God why. I think He is, too. It's a process. He made me human, and I'm not perfect (and if you don't believe me, you can ask my husband). What matters, though, is that after I dry my tears, I understand that God has a plan for this, even when I can't understand it. You wouldn't believe how much easier that makes being thankful.
Thankfulness is an intentional characteristic, I believe. It takes practice. It takes patience. It takes remembering that God knows you personally, intimately, and He knows what hurts you and what concerns you, and He loves you anyway, and what's more, He sent His Son to die for you. How can you not be thankful for that?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Here we go...again! :)
I am no stranger to the blogging world. I started my first one...almost 7 years ago, I guess, but this is the first one I've ever made public. I wanted a new place to share. God has done so much for us, for me, lately, and I want to put that into words as much as possible. A few things before we start:
The title? A Petra song. I kept searching, and I couldn't find anything that suited what I wanted to convey. JRE loves Petra, and it just fit. I also made my URL for him. I am a fantastic, giving wife. Or, maybe not, considering he'll probably never see this...
This blog is for sharing what God is doing. How He's moving, where we feel He's leading, what He's showing to me. It is also for sharing my life. For example: there will be posts about my Christmas tree, I'm sure of it. This is going to be a place to record the joys in my life. God has blessed me greatly, and I am focusing on that. Let me just say, though, that there will be posts about my MS and my infertility. God uses those things to teach me, to grow me, to move me out of my comfort zone. He's brought many blessings into our lives through our trials, and I am not going to shy away from those topics. It will not be a whiny, complaining blog, but I reserve the right to be real here, too. If that's not something you're comfortable with, you maybe shouldn't read. MS can be complicated and not so fun, and about the time I think I get adjusted, something new happens and I have to readjust. Sometimes, that takes a little time and hashing out. I promise, though, to not overshare, as both complications can be rather personal. Mostly, though, if you read, come expecting joy.
I think I have 6 blogs, including this one. Most of the ones I have, I stopped writing on because it got too heavy. I don't intend for this blog to be heavy. It will be real, yes. It will be about life, about the food pantry, about how things are not always rosy for everyone in the universe. It will not, however, be for just talking about my problems. God has really given me a new outlook in the past few months, and while things are not perfect for us, we believe that our blessings far outweigh our burdens, and we choose to live our lives as fully as possible. I really want to focus on that.
So now I will share what I really wanted to share, why I'm making a whole, brand-new, (6th) blog. Last night, I became aware that a friend I met through her blog had passed away. She had an auto-immune disease also, although hers had the potential to be more life-threatening than mine. She was sick for a long time, but she shared so much joy with the world. Barely able to move by the end, she was as consistent as possible with her blogging, always sharing a funny tale about her dog, little glimpses of her life, some new way God was speaking to her. My desire is to emulate that. I don't expect to have hundreds of followers like she did, but I want to show joy and love to everyone I meet. I want to encourage. God has been gently reminding me for several months now how blessed I am just to be alive. My prayer is that if you know me, you've seen some of that, some of the changes as I've learned to thank God for my trials instead of being angry at Him because of them. If you haven't, we have a problem.
This won't be fancy. I won't have someone design my blog. There might not even be any pictures, as I'm not sure I know how to upload them. If you want, though, you're welcome to read, to join me as I learn to explore the life I love, the life I lead only because of His grace.
xoxo,
Krystal
The title? A Petra song. I kept searching, and I couldn't find anything that suited what I wanted to convey. JRE loves Petra, and it just fit. I also made my URL for him. I am a fantastic, giving wife. Or, maybe not, considering he'll probably never see this...
This blog is for sharing what God is doing. How He's moving, where we feel He's leading, what He's showing to me. It is also for sharing my life. For example: there will be posts about my Christmas tree, I'm sure of it. This is going to be a place to record the joys in my life. God has blessed me greatly, and I am focusing on that. Let me just say, though, that there will be posts about my MS and my infertility. God uses those things to teach me, to grow me, to move me out of my comfort zone. He's brought many blessings into our lives through our trials, and I am not going to shy away from those topics. It will not be a whiny, complaining blog, but I reserve the right to be real here, too. If that's not something you're comfortable with, you maybe shouldn't read. MS can be complicated and not so fun, and about the time I think I get adjusted, something new happens and I have to readjust. Sometimes, that takes a little time and hashing out. I promise, though, to not overshare, as both complications can be rather personal. Mostly, though, if you read, come expecting joy.
I think I have 6 blogs, including this one. Most of the ones I have, I stopped writing on because it got too heavy. I don't intend for this blog to be heavy. It will be real, yes. It will be about life, about the food pantry, about how things are not always rosy for everyone in the universe. It will not, however, be for just talking about my problems. God has really given me a new outlook in the past few months, and while things are not perfect for us, we believe that our blessings far outweigh our burdens, and we choose to live our lives as fully as possible. I really want to focus on that.
So now I will share what I really wanted to share, why I'm making a whole, brand-new, (6th) blog. Last night, I became aware that a friend I met through her blog had passed away. She had an auto-immune disease also, although hers had the potential to be more life-threatening than mine. She was sick for a long time, but she shared so much joy with the world. Barely able to move by the end, she was as consistent as possible with her blogging, always sharing a funny tale about her dog, little glimpses of her life, some new way God was speaking to her. My desire is to emulate that. I don't expect to have hundreds of followers like she did, but I want to show joy and love to everyone I meet. I want to encourage. God has been gently reminding me for several months now how blessed I am just to be alive. My prayer is that if you know me, you've seen some of that, some of the changes as I've learned to thank God for my trials instead of being angry at Him because of them. If you haven't, we have a problem.
This won't be fancy. I won't have someone design my blog. There might not even be any pictures, as I'm not sure I know how to upload them. If you want, though, you're welcome to read, to join me as I learn to explore the life I love, the life I lead only because of His grace.
xoxo,
Krystal
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