I hadn't intended to write this post yet. I wanted to do something really happy and fun before more super serious stuff, but I wrote and dumped about 4 different times. I really felt compelled to do this one. Add to that the fact that two people have asked me in the past few days what our plans are, and I knew that this was to be my next post.
It's no secret Jesse and I have not been able to have a baby thus far. It's been a roller coaster since we got married. Lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. There are times it's all I talk about. There are times, like now, I don't talk about it at all unless I'm asked.
The truth is, we don't have a plan anymore. For a bit, we felt like God was opening some doors for us in the way of treatments, but those doors closed rather quickly. I've been apprehensive about treatments from the beginning, and I've never been sure they were right for us. Now, I'm about 98% sure they aren't. They're right for some people, for lots of people. I absolutely believe God gives us medical advancements and we are to use those. I don't think they're right for everyone, though, and we don't think that's a road we're supposed to travel. That leaves us two options: try on our own, or don't try at all. We've actually chosen a position in the middle: we're neither trying nor preventing. This is not the first time in our marriage we've chosen this position. It's just the first time we've been okay with it.
You see, we want a baby. Several, actually. Our hearts truly long to be parents. We've come to understand some things lately, though, that have helped us settle (for now...it's subject to change at any minute) into being content as a family of two.
Pursuing pregnancy got us nowhere. Not just physically nowhere. Obviously, there is that, seeing as how we don't have a baby. What's more, though, is it got us nowhere in our relationship with God. More often than not, I was too angry about not getting a baby to invest anything in my walk with Christ. It hurt too much. He knew what I wanted, but He didn't give it to me, and I was mad. It wasn't good for our marriage. It wasn't good for my health, my sanity, my general well-being, my ability to be a nice person...so we aren't trying. Our philosophy is if God wants us to be parents (and while we long for that and believe we'd be good parents, we aren't sure that's what He has for us. Sometimes, He says wait and sometimes He says no, and it can be hard to distinguish between the two, especially if your heart is really tied up in it), He will give us a baby. Period. We're not preventing it. We're just not actively trying, either. I'm not tracking temperature or taking tests or drinking teas or swallowing handfuls of supplements and vinegar and on and on. We're just trying to let God be God, and we know that if He chooses not to make us parents, there's a reason, a greater purpose for it.
For a long time, I didn't know what possible "greater good" could come from my not being a mother. I still don't, really. However, I know that God doesn't owe me any explanations, that my mind cannot know all the things God knows, and that sometimes, the tiniest things can have huge impacts. I am not an island in this world, and God has certainly shown us how He can use us now, childless, in ways He couldn't if we were parents. Sometimes, I wonder if part of my lesson was to learn to be still and wait before He blesses us with what we want, if it's a kind of protection for my heart while we wait, but I know that even if it's not, even if we really never have a baby, it will be okay.
It still hurts. Everyday, it still hurts. It's hard knowing that if I only had MS or if I only had fertility problems, it would not be such an issue. If it was either/or, we'd probably have a baby by now, and that's hard to swallow. It's also hard to watch everyone else around you get what you want. Christmas is coming, and I desperately want a baby to put in a Santa suit and take to Christmas dinner and buy presents for. My heart is, I believe, what God created it to be: a mother's heart. My desires are unfulfilled, and that's never fun. And yet, it doesn't hurt like it did. If my family never grows beyond what God ordained on my wedding day, there will always be a little hurt. Always. However, when I look at this man, this man who wants what I want and yet has been at peace about it the whole time, I know that he is blessing enough. I'd love to give him a handful of tiny people who look just like him, people we can teach to love Jesus, their family, their neighbors. Tiny people who will grow up and impact the world. I want that, very much. It doesn't consume me anymore, and that's awesome. I have peace, at least most of the time. I think it's a process, like grief, like the acceptance of an illness. There are days we go to Target and I get in the car and I scream, "But why don't I get to buy tiny clothes?!?!" Most days, though, we're okay. We're better than okay. We're happy together, this tiny family of mine. God has given us the thing we've asked for most since the beginning: peace.
I didn't understand for a long time it was okay to still hurt once you were at peace. I thought when I really accepted the fact it might not happen, I'd be totally over it. Hahaha. I'm not over it. I will never, ever be over it. I refuse, though, to let it consume me any longer. It's not as hard as it used to be. I tried for so long to be at peace and wasn't, and now that I mostly am, it's very freeing. I'm still tenderhearted about it. People can still hurt me with what they say, but I'm learning to control that, too.
Two things you should know: adoption is not, at least at this point, an option for us. We believe God could open doors, but He hasn't opened them yet. There are multiple reasons we cannot pursue adoption, and we've known that for some time. I would love to, but it's not for us, at least not now, not in a traditional sense. Also, I talk a lot about baby clothes, the fun parts of having kids. I want all the parts of having kids, not just the cute clothes. It's just that when I see those tiny shoes like Mom and I saw the other day, something happens inside me and my resolve melts a little. I think it's a girl thing.
I believe that these verses are a picture of true faith: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18. I don't claim to be perfect. We all know that I'm not. I have days I'm sad. Even once in awhile, still, days I'm angry. Most days, know, I am able to believe that my God is powerful enough to give me what I want in spite of what the doctors say and yet still strong enough to comfort me should His plan for me not include being a mama.
I've never really said all this to anyone, not even to my own mother. It's fairly new, I guess. I'm praying my MIL is not hurt when she reads this, and I'm praying that everyone else understands that we haven't given up, we haven't backed down. We've just chosen to love Jesus and each other and let God work the rest of it out.
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