It's night time, and I am alone again. He is at work, my poor sweet darling, and I am here. The TV's off, a rare occurrence in our house. My last friend just got off Facebook, so I am alone alone. Not just home alone alone. Just me and God alone. I am doing something I shouldn't. Something I haven't done in years. I am reading through the infertility boards. Why, oh why am I doing this? Maybe it's because circumstances lately have brought the could we and the should we and the will we or won't we back to my mind. Babies are coming. All around us, babies are coming. People keep telling us our time is coming soon, but they don't actually know that. How did we get to a place where we can presume to know the mind of God when actually, most of us struggle to figure it out daily? I don't know. What I do know is that whether or not we get a baby is up to God and God alone, and no one knows what's coming but Him. The CaT boards. Complete as Two. Two people, husband and wife, fully resting in the knowledge that God's grace is sufficient. That's us. Isn't it? We ARE complete as two. I didn't want to be. If I'm being honest, I never thought we would be, and yet, again, God's grace is sufficient to supply all our needs. What I needed most, more than anything else, was enough peace to love my husband with reckless abandon in spite of the fact that our family might never grow. Or maybe because of that fact. Really, I'm not sure. It's tough. Usually, not so tough, really. We are blissfully happy. Truly, we are. Happier than most couples I know. We spend nearly every waking minute together, except for those pesky minutes he has to be at work. Other than that, he is almost always close enough I can touch him. I love that. I love knowing that God allowed us to have special circumstances, and I am able to truly appreciate the absolute blessing He gave me in Jesse. I tell people he's my prize for dealing with life's trials. I don't know how that works, actually, if God really rewards us for struggling in such a way, but I know that I got the best of the best, for sure. When I look at that beautiful face, I know that my heart is whole, come what may. I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love him. That's what it boils down to, really. He is so fabulous, really, truly, completely fabulous, that depriving him of fatherhood is a sin. So many men are not good fathers. He's a good daddy to our furry babies. How much more so would he be to the child who would truly be the fruit of our marriage, of all our labor (pun sort of intended)? My heart is tender tonight. It's been tender for weeks, really. Tender in a way it hasn't been for awhile. We have accepted that becoming a family of more than two is not for us, and we are okay. Really, better than okay. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. Hence tonight. Tonight I am thankful that God's grace covers a multitude of sins, even lack of faith. Accidental lack of faith, but I think that's what it is, really. I don't know how to trust God to provide for us either way. I am trying. I am trying to learn to trust Him fully, even in the things I can't imagine.